To Choose or Not to Choose
by brownton
Summary: Helen and Nikki didn't get together after the appeal. But will they inn the end?


This is my first fanfic, I do hope you enoy it. A massive thanks to Carly Carter for betareading for me! Thanks Chick!!

Walking out of Chix, Helen didn't know where to go or what to do, all she saw was a black cab and climbed into it, telling the driver to go.

Nikki ran out of the club looking around for the Scot, but couldn't see her, only a black cab driving off down the street. Leaning against the wall of the club, she slid down the wall, bringing her knees to her chest. Holding herself, alone and in silence she couldn't think straight.

After a few minutes Trish came out of the club to see Nikki sitting on the floor. She sat down beside her and wrapped her right arm around Nikki's shoulders. 'What's wrong Nikki, where's Helen?'

Nikki looked up into her former lovers eyes, tears welling in hers, the only thing she could think to say was 'Gone. She's gone Trish, I've lost her for good. I've missed my one chance to be with her again and I've blown it, just like I've blown everything else.'

'You haven't blown it Nik, just give her some time, she knows where you'll be, and if she doesn't find you here I can tell her where.'

'But Trish, think about it, I just stood there, I didn't give her any indication that I was interested, how the hell will she know? I don't know what to do. I know how you feel about me, even after all this time and you knowing how I feel about Helen, I just can't put this on you anymore Trish, I guess I'll just have to deal with it'.

Trisha felt her heart breaking at the sobs coming from the woman she loved, powerless to help her.

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Getting home, Helen walked in the lounge and sat on the sofa, berating herself for walking into the club with the foolish idea that Nikki might still want to be with her. Seeing her with Trish, she knew that she had made a mistake, she felt like such an idiot. Helen poured herself a glass of vodka and walked into her bedroom. Opening the top draw she took out letters that Nikki had written for her while in Larkhall. Holding them to her chest she laid down and cried, falling asleep from the mixture of exhaustion and alcohol.

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The party still going strong, Nikki was serving customers behind the bar. In her own little dream world, she missed the start of a commotion at the entrance. A drunken man shouting 'I want to see her, I know she's here!' broke Nikki out of her thoughts and she rushed over to see what was going on. Her heart stopped cold when she recognised the man being held back by security.

'Jimmy, it's ok, let him go.' Nikki said. On being released from the big security guy, Dr Thomas Waugh walked over to Nikki, with an accusing finger pointed at her face.

'Where is she Nikki, I know she's here. I want to talk to her. She needs to know the truth'.

Still in shock over seeing Helen's lover in her bar and demanding the impossible, all Nikki could say was that she wasn't here.

'Are you trying to piss me off, I know she's here, it's you, it's all because of you. Like some kind of disease, you took her away from me. I love her Nikki, it was so good between us and just like that it's over.' Thomas stumbled backward and fell onto the floor.

Nikki motioned to Trisha to help him up. They took him into the back office and sat him down on the couch. Trish bought over a glass of water, looking at Nikki with a ''look what you have gotten yourself into this time'' look.

'What happened Thomas?' Nikki asked, a complete dumbfounded look on her face. As drunk as Thomas was, he looked at her and realised she had no idea what had happened.

'She ended it with me over dinner last night. We were talking and I mentioned that that asshole Fenner said that something had happened between you two. I asked her about it, all she said was that nothing had changed. It took a lot to get it out of her, but she said that she still had feelings for you and regardless of what had happened between you two recently, it was you her heart belonged to. She got up and left. I haven't seen her since'.

After getting the slightly sobered Thomas into a cab, Nikki turned to Trish. 'I think I need to go for a walk, just to clear a few things in my head.' Trisha hugged Nikki and watched her walk off down the street.

So many things were going through her head as she walked on, out of Soho and continuing on and ending up at Hungerford Bridge. Overlooking the Thames, she though back to that night in the officers room in G Wing. The night she broke out to see Helen. Remembering the words Helen had used to end their relationship.

_'I can't hold it together anymore Nikki, and neither can you. It's too strong what we feel and what we need. It's impossible. We have to let go, we have no choice..'_

Even though so much had happened since that night, the hope, the heartbreak, the riot, Nikki still thought about how Helen had looked. She looked as though her heart was breaking, that there was nothing else left to do. There was something about what Helen had said that just wouldn't leave Nikki alone, something she felt she was missing, only she couldn't put her finger on it.

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Waking up the next morning, the hangover from hell had started to creep in. Grateful for the fact she no longer had a job to get up for, Helen walked into the bathroom and started running a hot bath. Looking into the mirror she saw the tear streaked mascara of the night before.

She started thinking back to all of the good and bad moments which had led her up to this point in her life. How she had lost not only the man she was going to marry, but the job that she loved. The risks she had taken that left her heart completely open, and leaving herself completely raw inside. And while thinking about this, she realised, she would do it all again. Obviously some things would be different over the long run, but hopefully the outcome would have been different too.

She wondered what Nikki was doing right now, if she was in bed with Trisha. As hard as it was for her to imagine it, she knew it was certainly possible. The way Trish had looked at her, as though being protective of Nikki. Right then she knew that Nikki had told her everything. Something as personal as this, nothing could fit better than a feeling of betrayal.

She knew she needed to talk to someone, but no one other than Dominic knew about her feelings for Nikki, being in Greece it was a little difficult to call him, so she turned to the only other person that knew Nikki. Someone she could trust.

Helen picked up the phone and called Clare. Having been Nikki's solicitor in her trial, she knew about Nikki's past. She knew that Helen cared about Nikki, more than a prisoner / officer relationship.

Clare picked up on the third ring: 'Hello?'

'Hi Clare, it's Helen, I wanted to know if you were free today? There's something I need to talk about and I didn't know who else to talk to'.

'Helen, is everything all right?'

'I think I'm a bit lost, I don't know what to do'

'Ok, how about we meet up at the normal place at 12'.

'Thanks Clare, I'll see you then'

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Nikki walked back into the club, hours after she had left. The cleaners were in tidying up after last night, Nikki nodded to them and walked through the back to the office. As much as she had to do to get her life sorted again, she was so tired. Laying down on the couch her thoughts once again returned to Helen. She looked so amazing when she turned up at the club last night. It took Nikki's breath away even just thinking about it. She fell asleep, a slight smile on her face.

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Sitting in the cafe waiting for Clare, Helen stuck to coffee and nothing more. The effects of last night still hadn't warn off. Seeing Clare walking toward the cafe, Helen's pulse began to quicken. This was it. She was about to tell her best friend the truth behind her and Nikki and it scared the hell out of her. How could she explain that she fell in love with an inmate and hadn't been able to confide in the one person that would always be there for her. Standing up she gave Clare a tight hug.

'So whats wrong Helen? After I got your call I couldn't help worrying'.

'I'm sorry Clare, for calling you like that. I hope I haven't ruined your plans for the day'

'Only an appointment or two, nothing that can't wait. Now tell me, please Helen'.

A waitress came over to take Clare's order of coffee and disappeared. Helen started on the long story that should have been told a long time ago.

'Clare, I have to tell you something I have kept to myself for nearly three years. I don't know how to say it so just bare with me. I have been seeing and falling in love with Nikki Wade. I don't know how it happened, only that it has made me happy being with her. It has been so hard on opposite sides of the bars, things got so twisted in there. She broke out of Larkhall to see me and I should have called the police and ended it right there, but I didn't. We slept together. I took her back to Larkhall and ended it. It had been so hard. Clare, it hurt so much. After she was released yesterday I went to go and see her at her club. All I could do was congratulate her and wish her well. I ran out and I haven't spoke to her since. Clare, I just want her back, I know how stupid I have been and I really don't know what to do.'

Silence.

All of a sudden Clare burst out with laughter so hard that she began to cry. The look of horror on Helen's face was enough to calm Clare down. After she had gotten her breath back she held Helen's face in one hand and stroked her cheek with her thumb.

'Is that it? Helen, my dear, dear Helen. I already knew about you and Nikki, it was so obvious to see. I have been your best friend since college, I know you better than you know yourself sometimes. That childish grin on your face, the way you looked at her, of course I knew. Just like I knew one day you would tell me. Why do you think I spent all that time with you trying to get Nikki out? It was all for you Helen. Oh God, Helen, come here'. And with that, Clare got up and hugged Helen tightly.

'So your ok with it? Helen asked tentatively.

'Of course I am you daft cow, I love you so much. It doesn't bother me who your sleeping with, just as long as your happy. That's all that matters to me.'

'Well, I'm not sleeping with Nikki anymore, that's the problem. I want to be with her, but she's back with her ex now. I've ruined any last chance of being with her, and after the way I have treated her I'm not surprised.'

'But how do you know she's back with her? Did she tell you?'

'Well not exactly no. Like I said, I was at the club last night and she was with her. They looked close.'

'Helen, Nikki and her ex run that place together. She's the one Nikki went to prison for, so yeah, of course they're going to be close. That's a bond that will never be broken. But it doesn't mean they're back together. We'll just have to find out for sure'.

'And how will we do that?'

'Just you wait'

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Nikki woke up to Trisha busy at work in the office.

'I didn't have the heart to wake ya Nik so I just left ya there. I'll get you some coffee.' Pouring Nikki and herself another cup she sat beside her on the sofa. 'How you feeling now? When you didn't come back last night I thought that you might have gone to Helen's.'

'No, I just had a lot of thinking to do. Before I knew it, it was getting light.'

'Did it help?'

With a sigh Nikki leant back and pulled her legs onto to the sofa to get more comfortable. Trisha did the same.

'I don't know Trish. I don't know what to think anymore. Prison changed things, I don't know if everything was as it was if that makes any sense to you.'

'Nikki, listen to me. I love you, you know this. You did something for me that no matter how hard I try, I can't begin to thank you for. I've loved you for a long time and it is impossible for me to imagine what it was like inside. I also know this. Helen came here for you last night. It wasn't just to congratulate you on winning your appeal. She came here because she loves you. I should know, the way she looked at you is the same way I find myself looking at you.'

After a pause Trish leant in slowly and kissed Nikki softly on the lips, stroking her face with her hand. Not expecting any response, she was surprised when Nikki kissed her back. Taking the kiss a little deeper, Trish opened Nikki's mouth with her tongue is search of something more. When she couldn't find it she pulled away and stood up.

'I'm sorry Nikki, I know it's a hard time for you, I shouldn't have done that.'

Nikki stood and pulled Trisha into her arms and held her.

'It's ok Trish, I know you still love me and I still have feelings for you, I just need to work out what they mean.' Breaking the embrace Nikki walked toward the door and turned around to face Trisha. She could only think of one thing to say before she left.

'Love you babes.'

And Nikki was gone.

She left and went back to the house she used to share with Trish. She run the taps in the bath, put out some spare clothes and went through the bag she bought back from Larkhall. She started pulling out some clothes and came across Sophie's World. The book Helen had given her to replace the one burnt in the fire. She sat on the bed and opened the cover to reveal the message Helen had written. _Until we meet on the outside, H_. Nikki stared at the book and wished that the meeting had gone the way she had dreamt night after night. Both looking at each other and slowly walking into each others arms never to be apart. How Nikki could have been so stupid and not even given Helen a hint that she was still interested, she was kicking herself for it now. She picked up the phone on the bedside table and began to dial Helen's number. What would she say? She put the phone down and went back into the bathroom, removed her clothes and got into the bath before it had even finished filling up.

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It was 7pm and Helen was pacing in her living room waiting for Clare to arrive. A glass of wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She didn't know why she had started to smoke, but she thought it might calm her nerves. The doorbell rung and Helen jumped. She was in deep thought and didn't realise the time passing. She opened the door to let Clare in. Clare was dressed in a low tank top and tight jeans and had a jacket over her arm. Helen poured Clare a glass of wine and sat down to try and get the plan out of Clare, but all she got was 'It'll be ok, i'll fix things.' As much as Helen trusted her, she couldn't help but feel anxious.

Clare left shortly after to a taxi waiting outside. Leaving Helen alone with her thoughts.

The taxi stopped just outside Chix, Clare paid and walked into the club. As early as the night was, it was busy. Clare was thankful for this as she walked upto the bar alone. She ordered and was quickly passed a vodka and tonic, ice and a slice of lemon. Sipping her drink she looked around for Nikki but couldn't see her anywhere. She saw Trisha and knew she'd be able to help. Walking to where she was Trisha spotted her first and quickly walked over.

'Hiya Clare, fancy seeing you here. I didn't know this was your kind of scene.'

'Well, surprises do happen. I don't suppose you know where Nikki is do you. I want to buy her drink and congratulate her again.'

'I'm sure she's on her way, she said that she wanted to work tonight, keep herself busy.'

'Ok, i'll hang around for a bit if thats ok with you'

'Of course, have fun!' Trish said before walking back behind the bar.

Listening to the music and enjoying her drink, it wasn't long before the club picked up more. Nikki walked in and headed for the bar. Trish pointed Clare out and said that she came to see her.

Nikki's pulse quickly became rapid and needed a little courage so she poured herself a shot, downed it in one and headed for Clare.

'Hi Clare, what are you doing here?'

'I came to see you of course, I wanted to buy you a drink and once again congratulate you on being free.'

'I couldn't have done it without you Clare, you were the driving force behind it all, found things that my other solicitor didn't. It should and will be me buying you a drink or two, for everything you have done.'

Nikki and Clare sat down at a near-by table, toasted to freedom and good things to come.

'So, what are your plans from now on Nikki, keeping out of trouble I hope.'

'I'm not sure yet, I just have so much to get my head around. As hard as it is for me to say this, life was a lot easier on the inside.'

'What makes you say that?'

'Everything was simple, there was a routine but most of all I knew where I stood.'

'You mean with Helen right?' The look of shock on Nikki's face said everything. 'I know about you and Helen, Nikki, I knew from day one. And don't worry, Helen didn't tell me, I could see it a mile off, and all that business with Thomas, don't worry about it. There was nothing there for her. Just a wrong decision.'

'He was in here last night. Telling me that he loved her and that it was my fault they split up. I don't understand it, she was free to make her own choice. It had nothing to do with me. She had all the power, she knew how I felt and that I couldn't do anything about it, she still does.'

'No Nikki, she doesn't know. It was her that ended it with Thomas, did he tell you that? All she knows is your back with Trisha. Look, I know where you stand with Helen, but it's not upto me to do something about it. It's your decision, yours alone. You _have_ to choose..'

_'_She's wrong, I'm not......... She was wrong Clare.......'

All of a sudden, it hit her. She stood up and went running for the door, all the while Trish was calling out for her. She stopped the first cab she came too, practically jumped in and told the driver where to go.

Pulling up outside Helen's flat, she paid the driver and run up the steps to the front door. Banging on the front door, she wasn't sure what to say first. There was so much that needed to be said, but in what order.

The door opened and there stood Helen, a genuinely shocked expression on her face.

'You were wrong Helen, don't you see. That's why were here. Why didn't we see it before.'

'Nikki slow down. What are you talking about?'

Helen opened the door further to let Nikki into the lounge. Helen realised she was shaking like a leaf and sat down. Nikki still stood.

Nikki looked around the room, it hadn't changed much from the last time she was here. Something about that made her smile inside. The feeling that Helen hadn't changed anything to change what had happened here. It gave Nikki hope.

Still at a lost Helen didn't know what to say. Nikki sat beside her and looked into her eyes.

'You were wrong about me and Trish, we're not back together. She wants to give us another go but she knows as well as I do what's stopping it from happening. You, Helen. She knows how I feel about you and that's why nothing will happen between us. I am so in love with you, I can't stop thinking about you and it's driving me crazy not being with you. After you left last night I thought that you weren't interested in me anymore now that you were with the doctor. Even knowing that, I came after you, but you had already gone. I thought that was it between us. Thomas came in late last night, a bit drunk and told me that you two weren't together.'

'So after knowing that, why didn't you come last night?'

'I didn't know what to do. I still didn't know how you felt.'

'So what changed your mind?'

'Clare came to see me at the club. She told me I would have to choose. Do you remember that night that I came to see you?'

'Of course I do Nikki, I remember all of it.'

'In the office back at Larkhall, do you remember what you said to me? That we had to let go and we didn't have a choice. You were wrong. We did have a choice, we had one all along, and we chose it without thinking. Oh Helen, what were we thinking. We gave up without thinking it through. I don't know how it would have worked but we could have made it.'

'So what did you choose?'

'You Helen, I chose you. I knew I would always choose you, over anything I can have in my life, it would always be you.'

Tears were welling up in Helen's eyes and she couldn't speak. Nikki moved closer and held Helen's hand in both hands. She pulled her head up slightly so that they were looking into each others eyes.

'Tell me you want this Helen'

Before Nikki knew it, Helen's lips were against hers, so soft and slow. Helen started to push Nikki backwards so that she was laying flat on the sofa, with her body on top. The kissing deepened, Helen's tongue finding Nikki's with the same response.


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